Pencil

It was a week before suburbia strangled me, with its Mayfair filtered landscapes that garnished cropped homes and bottles of Domaine Georges & Christophe Roumier Musigny Grand Cru  on Bunko night. It was the week Yoga pants seduced us all with the way they forgivingly stretched to accommodate  an evening spent with too many gas station nachos, the way they move softly with our thighs as if to say, “Hush now, I know it’s Monday and your kids have to be at school at 7:30 A.M. for special projects they signed up to do and following that you must make a trip to the bank, gas station, and grocery store with three preschoolers in tow. Eat that victory doughnut, I got you girl.” It was because of this unwavering assurance that yoga pants began dominating the world, turning all women who dare give in to their siren-like lure of seductive comfort into nihilists who were willing to forsake all meaning in life simply because of wearing these pants that could best resemble the pull of Medusa.
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So here I am, Lil’ Ol’ me crunching on a bag of popcorn with extra butter while wearing a pair of navy blue yoga pants and a grey sweatshirt when I come upon an article that informs me, to my astonishment, that soon I could be a hardened criminal in the state of Montana.

Republican David Moore has submitted a bill that will make it illegal to wear yoga pants and speedos in public in the state of Montana on the grounds that it is indecent exposure. I had to smack my hand into my forehead because all these years I have been so confused, I always thought that indecent exposure was the guy with the hairy butt crack sticking out at the local KFC buffet or maybe those young folk who wear their breeches down to the top of their tennis shoes.

I am so relieved to know that there is one state out of fifty that has it so together that it can focus on guiding its citizens through their daily choice of fashion. In fact, I am going to assume that Montana has no homeless population, no poverty, a 0% crime rate…

OMG! We need to move to Montana: Utopia, folks! Right here in our humble clump of land, where one’s biggest preoccupation is, “what am I going to wear today?” and soon that won’t even be a problem because Montana’s government is going to tell us what we should wear.

I just have a few tiny concerns as to how far this law will go; in all fairness, are they going to also be policing the entrances of local Wal-Marts where one can basque amongst myriad offenders? What about string bikinis at swimming pools and lakes? Will one still have the ability to procure a copy of “Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition”?

What if I am caught wearing yoga pants because I am actually participating in a local yoga class? Will I then become an offender? On that point, does the practice of yoga become illegal?

These are incredibly important concerns regarding this law and since the legislature lacks more pressing concerns, I hope that they take the time to clarify these points for all of us folks ready to pack up and move!

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This evening I was indulging myself in a Family Size bag of spicy nacho cheese Doritos with spicy cheese dip and scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed to come upon some interesting and controversial news per the Sports Illustrated magazine. Apparently model Hannah Davis is going to appear on the cover of the 2015 swimsuit issue and many people believe that the manner in which she is pulling at her bottoms is vulgar and shows too much skin.

Hesitant to abandon my comfort food, I began to scroll through the comments, I noticed a lot of parents who were very concerned about their children coming across such a scandal at the local grocery store and being exposed to this risqué photo.

I found myself very confused by these responses as I am more concerned about what my children are exposed to during a mere trip to the local Wal-Mart: from bountifully exposed butt-cracks to the courageous display of camel-toes, I find myself timid to turn down the next isle for fear that I could run into the guy who embraces comfort by sparing no one from the scenic view straight down his oversized tank-top sleeves. (AND THAT’S IN REAL TIME PEOPLE! REAL FREAKIN’ TIME!!)

I’m saying, these are people making conscious choices to wear these ‘clothes’ and they’re not even getting paid to do it!

At least maybe this young lady is putting herself through college or buying her impoverished family the house they never had; or maybe she is sending a group of small children to DisneyLand.

I wonder if you all would feel bad if the only reason she agreed to pose was because she simply could not afford to eat, because she was unable to eat, the suit did not fit and so she had no other choice but to try to hold it up.

Perhaps, like those at Wal-Mart, her bikini simply did not fit and she was not pushing her bottoms down, she was holding them up.

I think before we judge this woman we need to get the entire story.

Maybe they bought the swim-suit at Wal-Mart (??)…Maybe?

I’m just sayin’…

cartoon happy woman One night, after one of my long tulmutous days, I sat down at the laptop to browse on Facebook for a bit just to sit in shock and awe as my newsfeed was blown up about a very pretty mother who found herself convicted to no longer wear yoga pants. Has anybody else viewed this article? How could you not? It quite literally comprised the first 10-15 posts in my newsfeed. I really couldn’t care less as it is not my business what people are choosing to wear and the mother certainly was not trying to impose her views on me. I am so not judging this! It did, however, get me thinking, if these lustful men with wandering eyes are looking at her, perhaps they are also looking at me; I thought back to earlier that morning: there I was in the grocery store, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants, frazzled hair up in an untidy bun, dark circles under the eyes blazing, all six children in tow and as I thought about the scenario I became fearful that perhaps these lustful men were after me too!! Collecting myself, I asked my husband if he ever had lustful thoughts about other women. He admitted that sometimes he found himself wildly out of control, particularly when we were at Wal-Mart as women tend to dress as though Halloween could be everyday of the week. He said that some of these ladies who sport their undersized tank tops that expose voluptuous muffin tops entice him to ponder thoughts that would be better left to those who are in need of Catechistic exorcisms and the like. He also found that his arousal became increasingly notable upon the absence of dentition. As I stared in the mirror at my own muffin top, with protruding stretch-marks and all, it made me feel vulnerable: here all this time has gone by, with all of these men: tongues hanging out, drool slowly creeping to the floor, and lil’ ol’ me: completely oblivious! YIKES! It was then, that I resolved myself to wearing heavy plastic tarps and sackcloth complete with hemp sandals. I knew that even though not every woman would understand, my actions could possible raise awareness that these perverted men who cannot seem to control themselves long enough to shop at a supermarket for a simple gallon of milk could be anywhere, and they could be anyone! Imagine: your plumber, your accountant, neighbor, co-worker, or what about that creepy guy who sits in the small booth at gas stations and always seems to remember your name even though you have no clue what his is? I woke up the next morning, my resolve stronger, I eventually realized that with all of these creepers among us, I could not leave my house again. These men would then need to go out of their way to come to my home in order to lust after me. And then I finally thought, with my six screaming kids, ever increasing crows feet, and thinning hair….They Just Might!  🙂